i love accidental penises.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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