If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
