I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
