I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
