i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
