Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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