tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
