It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
