i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
