You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
