I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
