Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You made out with two different species that night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
