come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
