Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
