I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
