Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
