M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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