You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
