Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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