then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
