im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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