I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Randomize
