I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
