I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
