sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
