life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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