just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
