you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
