So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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