I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
two words: eviction party
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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