He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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