She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
