once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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