why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
