Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
