How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
