I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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