My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
