he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
