I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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