life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
