Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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