My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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