Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
MIDGETS
????
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
