Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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