The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
