Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
