2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
