I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
