dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
