laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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