he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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