I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
