A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
