I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
