I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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