I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
This house was built for laser tag.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Randomize
