Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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