We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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