At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
